sincere apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him tonight, we'll get him on the air again soon. matt damon, apologies. we ran out of time. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. want to apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. the extremely overrated matt damon. ran out of time. [ laughter ] >> we ran out of time. we ran out of time. oh, that's pretty funny. that's pretty funny. but tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you, jimmy? no. no, i ran out of time for you.

what's that, jimmy? huh? is there a new host in town? his initials are m.d. that's right. the doctor is in. [ beeping ] oh, jimmy, that's our cue. we don't want to miss the opening sequence. duh-duh-duh-duh. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's th idiot's show. tonight, matt damon. matt damon. musical guest, matt damon. it's jimmy kimmel sucks! and now, finally, matt damon! [ cheers and applause ]

>> yeah! yeah! thank you! thank you! wow. thank you so much. thank you so much. wow. thank you. hey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to tonight's episode of "jimmy kimmel sucks." [ laughter ] i am your host, matt damon. [ cheers and applause ] hey, just for starters, let me ask you guys this. as an audience, is it weird to see a person with actual talent host this show? [ laughter ] i'm very excited to be here,

obviously. jimmy has bumped me from his show 1,205 times. for ten years, every night i wait in that green room. and every night, kimmel says, "apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time." [ laughter ] i've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. this is like when i lost my virginity. [ laughter ] except this is going to last way longer than one second. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you know, every time i got bumped off this show, it left a mark. but if you bump a man long enough, a night will come when he bumps you back. and tonight is that night, my friends. i am in command of this ship. [ cheers and applause ] tonight, good triumphs over

evil. i am luke skywalker and kimmel is the death star. big and round and easily destroyed through his garbage hole. [ laughter ] look at him over there. look at jimmy over there with the gag in his mouth. you've never been funnier, my friend. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy kimmel is to late night talk show hosts what magic johnson is to late night talk show hosts. hey, jimmy, did you hear the joke about lindsay lohan? because i have. 1,205 times. [ laughter ] but i've never hosted a talk show before, so some of you might be wondering what makes me qualified to fill in tonight. i'll tell you. for "courage under fire," i lost 40 pounds. for "the bourne identity," i learned the martial arts.

in "we bought a zoo," i had sex with an ostrich. [ laughter ] so i think i can do this. how hard can it be to read from cue cards anyway? look, i got this great audience, right? [ cheers and applause ] yeah! yeah! we got this great studio. actually, actually, to be fair, this is smaller than i thought it would be. but hey, i bet jimmy gets that a lot. [ laughter ] now, i am going to be making a few changes tonight. because i think you people deserve the best show possible. [ cheers and applause ] right? so let me start with you. hi, guillermo. >> hi, mr. matt damon. [ laughter ] >> don't mr. matt damon me,

you're kimmel's side kick. you're probably just going to go over there and untie him the minute i turn my back. >> no, no. i don't like jimmy, he's a dumbass. [ laughter ] >> so you're going to be loyal to me now? >> yes, my lord. [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry, guillermo. i just can't believe that. buenos noches, my friend. ladies and gentlemen, i took the liberty of hiring my own guillermo. so please welcome legendary actor andy garcia. [ cheers and applause ] hello, andy! >> hello, mr. matt damon. [ laughter ] >> are you prepared to be my faithful side kick?

>> si. i got my taser. >> he's got a taser and he's in character. excellent, mi amigo. what else can we change around here. the band leader. what's your name? >> i'm cleto. >> i'm sorry. i've never heard of you. why don't you say hello to the new band leader. this is sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] >> we'll miss you a lot. >> thank you so much for being here, sheryl. do you think you can handle this? >> i got this. i'm sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is unbelievable. it took jimmy ten years to accomplish what i just accomplished in 90 seconds. [ laughter ] look, jimmy is not all that bad. he's actually got some really good qualities. he's funny, he's smart, he's good to his family, he's an excellent lover -- wait a minute, what is going on here? i didn't write any of this.

oh, come on, man. >> i'm sorry. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, come on. >> forget it, matt, i couldn't do it to jimmy! >> oh, ben, come on! >> i never wanted it to end up this way. >> he doesn't even love you like i love you. you'll see! he'll see. all right, what's next? let's see. late night hosts, well, they're supposed to tell jokes right from the news, right? you guys want to hear some jokes? unfortunately, that's not my forte. i'm not a standup comedian. but i do know people in this town. wait a minute. hold on. siri, who's the best standup

comedian in the world? >> definitely not jimmy kimmel. he is not funny at all. he is terrible. he is human garbage. >> that's a given. but do a search for a world class comedian in the area who might come finish my monologue. >> searching for a world class comedian in your area. i found one fairly close to you. >> well, great. send him in. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. whoa! yeah! yeah! yeah! hold on.

let me just take you for a moment. hold on. let's do this. a brief shoutout to my fans on skype. i have a new application on my phone, it's a moral gps. it's kind of cool. the girl you're texting is the same age as your daughter, reroute. [ laughter ] people always complain about their phones, saying i've only got two bars. listen, i'm an alcoholic. all i've ever needed was one bar. [ laughter ] i'm off and running! and sometimes it sounds like your phone is a little off. you go siri, where is the beacon theatre? did you say kevin bacon was queer? no! but show me what you found. [ laughter ] and she sometimes gets insecure, going siri, where is the nearest electronics store? are you dissatisfied with my service? not at all, why did you google samsung? no reason. who is emily?

none of your business! and it doesn't even work in france. if you go to france, there is no siri because maybe they are their own. they have cherie. where is the nearest good restaurant? it's paris, you idiot! they're everywhere, put down your digital device, go out and live your life, you american [ bleep ]! [ cheers and applause ] >> that is how you do a monologue! >> yeah! >> thank you, robin. robin williams, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] all right, we're going to take a break. ooook perfect on you, catherine! have we met? yeah, last week at the tax store i did your taxes. you work here too. yep. i thought you were an expert with returns? oh i am, especially after the holidays! major tax stores advertise for preparers with "no taxes experience necessary."

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good luck, matt.

those are some big old spanx to fill. >> matt, you can do it. i know you can do it. you can do anything. and if you ever doubt that, take a look at the name on your driver's license. that's right. it says matt [ bleep ] damon. that's what it says. >> matt, they told me that you're hosting the show tonight and i think that is just awesome. i'm not really sure why, or where jimmy is, but what can i say? your sunny face kisses the world. is that weird? i feel like that might be a little weird. don't say that. [ cheers and applause ] >> all right, welcome back! welcome back. if you're just joining us, i have taken control of this show tonight. normally, this program is hosted by that. [ laughter ] tonight it's being hosted by this. [ cheers and applause ]

well, look, this seems like a good opportunity to explain the origin of all the hatred and bitterness between me and jimmy kimmel. i think it's time people finally know the truth. jimmy bumps me from his show every night because jimmy always wanted to be an actor. and unfortunately for him -- [ laughter ] i beat him out for every role that he ever truly wanted. jimmy has auditioned for every movie i've ever been in. that's true. every single one of them. and how many did he get? none. [ laughter ] so he hates me. and look, i know it seems hard to believe, so to prove it to you guys, i called every casting director in town to get tapes of all of jimmy's auditions. [ laughter ] you guys want to see them?

[ cheers and applause ] yeah. no, i'm sorry, jimmy, i'm going to have to show t them. i mean, yeahgo ahead, you can roll it. >> this is jimmy kimmel reading for the roll of will hunting. >> well i got a number. how do you like them apples? >> let's try it one more time. >> again? how do you like them apples? do you like apples? i have them. >> so you're the guy running for office, aren't you? >> you bet i am. >> and judging from your speech, you're not winning. >> well, that's what happens when you're part of the adjustment bureau. >> what are you doing? [ laughter ] sorry. what's he doing? >> i just was playing with it. i was stretching it out. >> no, you can't do it to the camera.

so you're the guy running for -- >> you bet i am. >> you've got to let me finish. >> you know this movie is animated, right? >> what? >> it's a voiceover audition. >> why am i in the costume? hi, kids, i'm happy feet 2! my beak is in my eye. >> next. >> head shot? >> no. thanks. >> judging from your speech, you're not winning. >> that's what happens when you're part of the adjustment bureau. >> okay, i don't know -- [ laughter ] >> you said that camera. >> you're supposed to do it -- >> oh, to you. >> have you done this before? >> whenever you're ready. >> you're adorable. what's that, you say? i'm adorable too? well, that's why we bought a zoo. [ laughter ] before we start, could i just clarify? am i the stuckee or the stucker? who's stuck to who here?

>> i'm sorry, does that matter for the process really? >> it's part of my process. it does matter. >> who the hell are you? >> i'm jimmy kimmel. and i'm stuck on you. [ laughter ] >> can we look into matt damon? he'll do it. >> if your movie was called "suck on you" he would do it. >> i don't know what this is. is this like a pity reading or something? >> no, no, you're here on your own merit. can you tell her she's here on her own merit? she thinks this is a pity meeting. how do you like them apples? >> next. >> how do you like them -- apples. >> screen test, jimmy kimmel. >> i swear to god, if i even feel somebody behind me there is no -- >> stop. we should start again. >> you ready? >> just give us an action again. >> i swear to god, if i even feel somebody behind me, there -- >> what are you doing, man? you're reading my part. >> no, you're the other part.

i'm jason bourne. >> i thought i was reading for bourne. >> why would you -- i mean, i played him in the first two movies. >> i didn't see the first two movies. and thanks for saying spoiler alert. what goes on here? i mean, he didn't say spoiler alert. >> i'm sorry, man. spoiler alert. [ cheers and applause ] >> we've got a much better show than usual for you tonight. sheryl crow is here. i have a terrible surprise for jimmy. and when we come back, stars jimmy kimmel could never dream of. i'm matt damon, please stick around. [ female announcer ] your smile.

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hey, matt. awesome job. awesome. you are as great asimmy kimmel wasn't. >> thank you, matt, for allowing america to laugh again. >> matt, i gotta tell you, i am loving the show. you have a gift, my friend. you know, not everybody can host a show. i know that is true. great job. >> you know, matt, you're the son we always wanted. that's better. >> welcome to the family, matty. >> we love you. [ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you! welcome back. welcome back to "jimmy kimmel sucks." i'm matt damon, your host. in case you haven't noticed, i've hijacked jimmy kimmel's show. on the show tomorrow night, nicki minaj, and unfortunately for you, jimmy kimmel will be back. tomorrow morning, jimmy's getting a star on the walk of fame. but let's not get focused on the negative. because tonight, sheryl crow is my band leader! [ cheers and applause ] andy garcia is my guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] and later on, i have a fun surprise for jimmy, a special guest who has not been here since -- i think since she and jimmy broke up. >>. ♪ i'm [ bleep ] matt damon.

>> she's [ bleep ] matt damon. >> i'm sorry, but it's true. >> she's [ bleep ] matt damon. >> i'm not imagining it's you ♪ >> yeah! his ex-girlfriend sarah silverman will be here. good times, right? how you doing over there, jimmy? i'm just kidding. i don't give a [ bleep ]. hey, jimmy, wait. let me ask you something. have you ever had nicole kidman on your show? >> jimmy: no. >> that's too bad. ladies and gentlemen, her new movie "stoker" comes out march 1st. please welcome academy award-winner nicole kidman. [ cheers and applause ]

>> well, welcome. welcome, walmart, walmart. you are really classing up the place here. [ laughter ] no, no -- do you have your taser? you've never done this show. >> no. >> why not? >> he's just -- he's not classy. [ laughter ] >> i know, i know. >> i mean, he [ bleep ] sucks. [ laughter ] >> you're right. it's just one of those talk shows. they ask these really lame questions. i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to do that. let me just ask you one thing. can you just tell us one thing that nobody knows about you? >> since i was a little girl, i have had a problem, i steal. [ laughter ] >> really? >> i do. i'm a kleptomaniac. little things. not important things. i have a few little things. some spoons. >> from backstage? just spoons.

>> yeah. and there's other stuff. but i'll keep it quiet for now. >> i just want to say thank you for sharing that. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> no, that's wonderful. that's really brave. >> you're the kind of guy that you can tell anything to, right? >> thank you. thank you so much for that. it's so great that you would share that with me. >> because i love you. >> well, thank you. i love you, too, nicole. i would love to work with you. >> i would love to work with you. >> i'm such a huge fan. >> yeah. >> who else would you love to work with? no, seriously. when you think of actors -- [ laughter ] >> not him. >> no, not him. i love gary oldman. >> he's one of the best. [ applause ] >> wait a minute. ladies and gentlemen, gary oldman. [ cheers and applause ] this is amazing.

all right. if you do what i do, this is a huge honor. so thank you for coming out here. >> the honor is all mine. >> no, come on, man. unlike nicole, you've actually had the burden of being on this show before, with you know who hosting a couple times. >> i have no recollection of that. [ laughter ] i've never been on this show before. >> my research says you were here for "tinker tailor" and "dark knight rises." i saw this picture down the hallway, which apparently nicole stole. [ laughter ] >> that is -- you know, that's an impersonator. a gary oldman impersonator. this is an industry for people. i've never been in the state of california until tonight. >> wow. it sure looks like you. okay, i'll tell you what. let's keep this daisy chain of

greatness going. is there somebody kind of great that you want to work with? >> well, amy adams. >> ladies and gentlemen, amy adams! [ cheers and applause ] >> hi! hi. hi. >> amy, it was so great. have you done this show before? >> i have. i was actually scared to come back. it was the worst experience of my life. i mean -- yeah, life. >> amy, why? what did jimmy do to you? >> it's really awkward, because like right off the gate -- i think there's a clip of what happened. >> jimmy: please say hello to amy adams.

>> he slipped me the tongue. yeah. >> that is so horrible and inappropriate. >> i was like i don't know you. and he was like i went to a bachelor party with my boyfriend. and i was like you didn't, don't make me lie for you. it was bad. >> that was like a sexual assault when you came out. >> i know. it was horrible. but you're here, so i decided i'd come back and brave it. >> well, thank you for doing that. it's probably the only way he can meet women. [ laughter ] >> i know, right? >> we were just talking about it, you're nominated right now for "the master." [ cheers and applause ] what's crazy to me, that's a huge accomplishment obviously. but there's like 600 or 700 movies that come out every year. and you have four nominations now. >> thank you. >> there's an emmy for talk show people. >> yeah. >> and he's been nominated like once. he's been on the air for ten

years, and there's only like six talk shows. [ laughter ] he got nominated once and he didn't even win. [ laughter ] i mean, between the three of you, there's probably like 40 academy award nominations. you throw andy in there, this is obscene. and this guy can't even -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] all right, well, when we come back, we're going to see what other movie stars we can dig up. and we'll have jimmy's ex-girlfriend, too. so we'll be right back. go!

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♪ if it makes you happy welcome back! sheryl crow, everybody! leading the band tonight. thank you so much for that kind applause. it must feel so good to really mean it for once. [ laughter ] you know, andy garcia and i were just talking in the break room. we were laughing because jimmy is always complaining about how hard it is to book celebrities on this show. meanwhile we're like halfway through this thing and i've already booked seven big stars. that's not even counting me. isn't that funny, andy?

>> it's very funny, mr. matt damon. >> because this is hollywood. you hit an oscar winner with a rock out here. >> yes, you can, mr. matt damon. i have a rock. i have a rock. >> good. just throw the rock and see what happens. >> ow! oh my -- did you just hit me with a rock? >> is that reese witherspoon? oh, my goodness! reese, it's matt damon. what are you doing out there? >> oh, hey, matt. what's going on? >> do you want to be on "jimmy kimmel live"? >> i don't know, is jimmy in there? >> no, jimmy's not hosting it. i am. >> oh, yeah. well, yeah. of course. of course, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> my next guest is an oscar

winner who buys her own groceries, evidently. we're very lucky to have her with us tonight. please put your lands together for reese witherspoon. [ cheers and applause ] >> any way you want. we're so happy to have you here. >> this is crazy. >> what were you doing out there? you were shopping? >> yeah! oh, hey, sheryl. >> i bet we shop for the same stuff. i have four kids. you just had your third. >> probably, yeah. >> so what do you have, some baby formula? >> i don't really want to -- there's no need to get into -- it's so stupid. >> what do you have in the bag? >> um -- okay. i mean, i just bought some hennessy. >> oh, all right. [ cheers and applause ] okay, a little hennessy.

>> i'm a working mother. >> what else? some kids' pjs? wow. that one's empty. [ laughter ] i didn't know you rolled like that, reese. >> it was a long time between drop-offs. but then i got this stuff. >> he was having to have a drink. >> mr. matt damon? >> what is it, andy? >> i have another rock. >> oh! well, just chunk it in any direction. >> i also have a bottle. >> reese probably dropped that. >> yes, she dropped it and i drink it. >> oh, okay. andy, throw the rock. >> what? >> who's that? oh, it's demi moore. [ applause ] what is going on? >> look at the camera, it's mr.

matt damon. >> i'm so sorry about that, demi, it's matt. >> what's up with the rocks? >> any chance you want to come in and hang out with me and reese witherspoon and nicole kidman and gary oldman and amy adams? >> um, jimmy's not in there, is he? >> well, technically yes, but i tie him to a chair and stuffed a gag in his mouth. >> okay. [ applause ] >> i'm just wondering, jimmy, have you ever had demi moore on the show? >> no. >> no. why would she come on your show? you know, you should sometime, though. ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to my next guest, the lovely and talented demi moore. [ cheers and applause ]

>> hello! >> amazing. >> what's all this? >> i just took over his show and tied him out. because he's a son of a bitch and he had it coming. [ laughter ] tell me, you've never been on this show before. >> no, i haven't. is it okay if i take my coat off? i was out biking. >> why have you never come on the show before? >> well, i've been to his house. >> oh, you have? >> yeah. and, i mean, he invited me for dinner. he's really big into his cooking thing. >> right, right. >> his sauces. well, he's got his pizza ovens and he was making pizza. and i went to look in the trash. put something in. and i saw the box of digiorno.

>> that's just despicable. you son of a -- no, get over there. that's so wrong. it's just in keeping with everything we're hearing tonight. this guy is a horrible man. >> i'm really uncomfortable with liars. he's not trustworthy. you're trustworthy. this is amazing. you're [ bleep ] matt damon. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is, without question, the best couch ever assembled on the jimmy kimmel show. i think we should maybe go over there and take a picture with jimmy. come on, guys, come on. come on. these are just acts you could never get, my friend. all right. i would like to thank these guys for being here tonight. [ cheers and applause ]

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♪ until the sun comes up over santa monica boulevard ♪ welcome back! thank you. i am the opposite of jimmy kimmel, matt damon. and that was my band leader, sheryl crow, who sounds great. [ cheers and applause ] do you have any new music coming out? >> yeah, i'm working on something -- a new single coming out pretty soon. >> really? has anyone heard it yet? >> no, i'm still working on it. but i think i'm going to have it done by the end of the show. >> so then maybe you'd consider doing the world premiere here on the show tonight? >> yeah, well, under normal circumstances, no. but since you're hosting, yeah. [ cheers and applause ]

>> that's fantastic. now i'm excited. great. and speak of many being excited, i'm very excited to talk to my next guest. she dated jimmy kimmel for five years, and made love to me for two incredible minutes. [ laughter ] please say hello to sarah silverman. [ cheers and applause ] it's great having you on here tonight. >> oh, my gosh, this is crazy. >> yeah, we haven't seen each other since -- >> yeah, since -- >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> you look well. you really wear that suit. >> thanks. you, too. [ laughter ] but hey, you know why i brought you on. i was wondering if you could just describe your relationship with jimmy for me. >> oh, gosh.

i guess, like, you know when you're in new york and you pass by those hot dog vendors and you're like i'm not going to eat this. it's not good for me. and the smell gets to you and you can't help yourself and you get one and you pound two or three of them, and then later on, you're puking. [ laughter ] it's just like why did i put this inside me? [ laughter ] and you think about, like, the encasing and all the entrails that are probably in there. so i guess it's like that. i could have given you a shorter answer. i'm sorry. it was a roller coaster. >> do you know why people think jimmy is so funny? >> no, why? [ laughter ] >> no, i'm asking you. i was hoping you could tell me. >> oh. [ laughter ] you're so bad! you're so good at this. >> thank you for that. as long as you're here, is there anything you'd like to say to jimmy? i mean, he's a captive audience.

>> um. no, i'm good. >> great. sarah silverman, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to be right back to hear music from sheryl crow, and maybe i'll even talk to jimmy, too. ♪

ladies and gentlemen, here with her new song, the world premiere of "easy", my band leader, sheryl crow! ♪ we shared the summer no money makes that kind of hard to do forget the beach

i'm here with you playing hook key but you make it zhi-zhi all day you make it zhi-zhi we put on bug spray and we'll lose our clothes put out the lawn chair and turn on the hose we'll play jack johnson we'll go surfing listen to the radio

you make it easy, easy sit in the sun and drink beer all day you make it easy, easy oh oh drink and take in the sunset later on slip off and make love you makeñi